Hard to believe it, but today is the last day of 2014. And what a year it's been! So many amazing lessons and experiences. Some have been extremely difficult, like learning to rely completely on God's provision for our finances month to month. Some, like the cultural stress I experienced earlier in the Spring, have been painful. Some, like the publication of my first novel, have been utterly satisfying. There is precious little I would change about this year.
Now, however, it's time to look toward the next year. Of course, our fervent prayer is that God will perform a miracle with regard to our funding and we'll be able to return to Mexico for our second term in July. That's a big goal. But we serve a BIG God!
Personally speaking, this year to come is a big one for me. It is the year in which I will turn 40 years old. 40! While it doesn't conjure the terror for me that it inspires in others approaching this decade mark, it is a tad more daunting than turning 30. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because I don't actually feel like someone about to turn 40. Don't feel anywhere near mature enough for this age. At any rate, I have several goals in mind. Taking a page from my sister, I want to own 40. To do so, I want to meet the following goals by the end of the year:
(1) Regular, consistent, daily devotions.
(2) Exercising 45 minutes a day 4 x a week, and another 15 minutes 2 x a week
(3) Drinking at least 80 oz of water every day.
(4) 60 minutes of Spanish study 5 x a week, incorporating Spanish into my devotions 2 x a week.
(5) Reaching, and maintaining, a healthy weight. Sadly, I have gained back everything I previously lost (booo!). So, I have broken this last goal into a few mini goals - I want to be down 25 lbs by March 31, down 50 lbs by July 1, down 75 lbs by September 30, and at my goal weight by December 31.
If I can manage to reach all 5 of these goals, I will be able to say I "owned" 40.
12/31/2014
10/19/2014
'The Return' prologue
The prologue for my next novel, 'The Return'.
Prologue
6 years ago
6 years ago
Justin Bennet sat on the edge of his bed, head in his hands.
As he’d only just begun his general surgical residency, there was a mountain of work stacked in neat piles on his desk. Notes to read through from both his class work and his patients. Leisure time was a luxury he didn’t have right now.
And yet he could not find the strength to stand. To get up from where he sat and do the things he knew needed to be done.
Who could, when faced with the loss suddenly thrust upon him this week?
Slowly, his eyes tracked to the paper lying atop the nightstand. He stared at it for several seconds before taking it up. The paper shook in his hands, crinkled from repeated readings. Greedily, his eyes flew over the words, soaking them into his heart once more, like rain on parched soil.
Little Brother -
I’d hoped you’d never read this. The guys all write these goodbye letters to loved ones back home before their first mission, counting on them never being delivered. Counting on surviving long enough to hug their wives, children, girlfriends, or parents on their next leave. We all know, deep down, however, that there are times when the worst happens. Guys don’t make it home. Families must learn to live without their husbands, fathers, boyfriends, or sons.
And now, I’m one of their numbers.
I know this will be extremely difficult for everyone. You. Mom and dad. My darling, beautiful Izobel. Promise me that you’ll look out for her. With her family all scattered across the country, the only family she has nearby now is the three of you. Watch over her and help her with whatever she needs. I can’t help her now; I need you to do that for me, bro. You know I’m depending on you.
And then, the part of the letter that had clearly been recently added:
I wish we could’ve had more time together while I was last on leave. There’s so much I’ve wanted to say to you, so much I’ve wanted to know. You’ve changed, Justin. You’re not the same carefree guy you used to be. What happened? Who hurt you? It was clear to me during our limited time together that you are just a shell of the man you were. I’m worried about you, little brother. Worried, and praying day and night that whatever has happened, you haven’t turned your back on the One who makes life worth living. I’m sorry we’ll never be able to talk about it, Justin. My prayer for you is, and will continue to be, that you find peace and joy once more.
Take care of our parents, of Izobel. And please, Justin. Please take care of yourself. It has been my joy to be your older brother, even if only by a few minutes. I love you, bro.
Matt
He carefully returned the letter to the top of the night stand and lay back on his bed, his feet planted on the floor. While he regretted not having more time with his brother during his final leave last year, especially knowing what he now knew, the wounds were still too raw. Watching Matt and Izobel together, especially after he’d finally proposed, would’ve been more than his broken and aching heart could handle.
And now this.
Justin knew that Matt’s final wish was that he would find peace and joy in his life again. With each day, the hope of reclaiming those two things was growing dimmer and dimmer. First the betrayal by the woman he’d loved. Now, the death of his best friend.
This letter showed that his brother was concerned he’d turn his back on God. But what Matt didn’t--wouldn’t--know was that he’d turned his back on God a long time before now.
For the first time since he’d received that horrible phone call, he was actually relieved. Relieved that his brother--the one whose faith had always been strong and an encouragement to everyone around him--would never see how far from God his little brother had wandered.
Stuffing the pain even deeper inside, Justin opened the bottom drawer on the night stand, sliding the letter into it, then shoved it closed. There was work to do, after all, and he didn’t have time for grief.
After all, what good would it do? Nothing would bring his brother back to them.
9/21/2014
Still Longing for Home - Part 2
It's been a couple days since my last post, and I feel like God's been speaking to me about it.
A missionary friend of mine shared this with me on Facebook:
You are right, it is absolutely a legitimate and beautiful desire as a wife and mother! When I feel very discouraged about it, I find that it helps me to remember that this lifestyle constantly reminds me of my longing for my heavenly home. If I lived in my own very comfortable home here, I would be tempted to lose sight of that. So, when I long to make my place a cozy nest, I remind myself that God has prepared a forever place for us!
She could not know that her words mirrored what the Lord had been speaking to my heart at the same time.
This morning, on the way to church, this issue was addressed again--this time, by the Christian radio DJ. She was talking about a book she'd recently read about the root of jealousy and discontent. When we look at others and are jealous about relationships, things, places, situations, etc. they have or are in, we are really saying to God that we are unhappy with the life He has blessed us with. We're really complaining to God that He hasn't given us what we want, instead of being thankful for the things He has blessed us with. The DJ said that this spirit of discontent is sinful and something that we need to give to God--daily if need be.
I hadn't thought about it like that.
Then, while I was still noodling what I'd heard, God gently suggested to me that perhaps this restlessness, this unfulfilled desire to make a home, is something He's allowed me to have. He knows me better than I do, so He knows that if I were to get comfortable here, I might have a hard time leaving. Comfort is a huge thing to me, and can be a blessing.....or a danger. If I get too comfortable, I tend to be less likely to immediately obey when He asks me to act. And I know that until God calls me Home to Heaven, He has placed me in Mexico City, not the U.S. I may be here for a time, but it's not to stay.
So while my God-given desire to make a home for my family is a good and wonderful thing, it can easily become a stumbling block if I let it. It might not be that way for other missionary ladies. But God has been showing me that for me, it is.
Therefore, the new way you can pray for me is that God will help me give this longing to Him each day and not let it distract me from the work He has for me today.
A missionary friend of mine shared this with me on Facebook:
You are right, it is absolutely a legitimate and beautiful desire as a wife and mother! When I feel very discouraged about it, I find that it helps me to remember that this lifestyle constantly reminds me of my longing for my heavenly home. If I lived in my own very comfortable home here, I would be tempted to lose sight of that. So, when I long to make my place a cozy nest, I remind myself that God has prepared a forever place for us!
She could not know that her words mirrored what the Lord had been speaking to my heart at the same time.
This morning, on the way to church, this issue was addressed again--this time, by the Christian radio DJ. She was talking about a book she'd recently read about the root of jealousy and discontent. When we look at others and are jealous about relationships, things, places, situations, etc. they have or are in, we are really saying to God that we are unhappy with the life He has blessed us with. We're really complaining to God that He hasn't given us what we want, instead of being thankful for the things He has blessed us with. The DJ said that this spirit of discontent is sinful and something that we need to give to God--daily if need be.
I hadn't thought about it like that.
Then, while I was still noodling what I'd heard, God gently suggested to me that perhaps this restlessness, this unfulfilled desire to make a home, is something He's allowed me to have. He knows me better than I do, so He knows that if I were to get comfortable here, I might have a hard time leaving. Comfort is a huge thing to me, and can be a blessing.....or a danger. If I get too comfortable, I tend to be less likely to immediately obey when He asks me to act. And I know that until God calls me Home to Heaven, He has placed me in Mexico City, not the U.S. I may be here for a time, but it's not to stay.
So while my God-given desire to make a home for my family is a good and wonderful thing, it can easily become a stumbling block if I let it. It might not be that way for other missionary ladies. But God has been showing me that for me, it is.
Therefore, the new way you can pray for me is that God will help me give this longing to Him each day and not let it distract me from the work He has for me today.
9/19/2014
Still Longing for Home
Tonight, I've been scrolling through the "home" page on Pinterest, admiring all the autumn pictures and pins on how to decorate your home for the season. And I love it. Really. Honestly, it's been over a decade since I really, truly experienced a traditional autumn season (autumn in the South is not the same as a Midwestern autumn. For one thing, except in rare places, you don't have the wide assortment of colorful leaves. Pine needles don't turn gorgeous shades of red or orange), and we are literally surrounded by a forest of trees atop the gentle slopes the missionary homes sit on. Autumn will be great this year.
So what's the problem? I mean, I can think of several of my missionary friends serving on foreign fields who are ready to temporary block my Facebook posts if I make one more mention of autumn or share one more picture of changing leaves.
Tonight, I miss having my own home. The funny thing about that statement is that we've never had our own home. We've rented or lived in parsonages for all sixteen years of our marriage. My biggest dream before receiving my missionary calling was to get married, buy a home, and raise our family in the same home. And because that is a dream I've had to give up, as not too many missionaries own their own homes, I've learned to enjoy making our rental homes truly ours.
The problem, of course, is that this is not our house. Not our furniture. Not my kitchen stuff. Not even my linens. And certainly none of my decorations (every autumn, before departing for language school and the field, I had an entire bin of decorations I loved to put out. And in Mexico, there is another bin of autumn decorations waiting for us when we get back). Just two months ago, I couldn't wait to get here and finally unpack after two months of living out of suitcases and traveling around. I was so thrilled to have a place to put everything! Yes, when I think about what we could be doing--living with family members or friends--I am grateful for this home and the opportunity to be here as a family. To really be able to let our hair down at the end of the day.
Perhaps only another missionary wife will understand that this is not just a grown woman whining and throwing herself a pity party. I believe it stems from something deeper.
As missionaries, there are so many transitions we have to make. We pack everything up in our homes (or sell everything; I know many families who literally arrived in language school with what they could fit in their allotted baggage, having sold everything else before they left), say goodbye to our families, and settle in to language school (for those who learn language away from their fields, anyway). After we've completed language school, we pack everything up again, say goodbye to the friends we've made, and leave for our fields. At the end of our first four year term, we pack everything up, say goodbye to friends and teammates, and return to our passport countries for furlough--a process that involves many transitions as we travel to raise support, often taking a couple years. Then, we return to our fields after more packing and another round of goodbyes to start the process again. If the missionaries are blessed to be moving back into the same house, some of the transitions are easier. But if they must look for a new house with each new term...
We women are innate nesters. We have this inner desire to build a "nest" for our families. And when we can't do it because of circumstances outside of our control, we get antsy. Maybe even a little sad.
This is where I now am. It is not something I expected to feel when we came home from the field. Especially knowing we'd move into provided housing. I am, however, thankful for the cinnamon stick Yankee Candle I was able to get with my birthday money. And I'm thankful for the other autumn scented candles I'll bring back from my collection at mom's next month.
This is something else you can pray for when you pray for the missionaries you know and support. And if you have any friends who are missionary wives, just be patient with her when she unexpectedly gets the urge to redecorate your home when visiting. She probably can't help herself.
So what's the problem? I mean, I can think of several of my missionary friends serving on foreign fields who are ready to temporary block my Facebook posts if I make one more mention of autumn or share one more picture of changing leaves.
Tonight, I miss having my own home. The funny thing about that statement is that we've never had our own home. We've rented or lived in parsonages for all sixteen years of our marriage. My biggest dream before receiving my missionary calling was to get married, buy a home, and raise our family in the same home. And because that is a dream I've had to give up, as not too many missionaries own their own homes, I've learned to enjoy making our rental homes truly ours.
The problem, of course, is that this is not our house. Not our furniture. Not my kitchen stuff. Not even my linens. And certainly none of my decorations (every autumn, before departing for language school and the field, I had an entire bin of decorations I loved to put out. And in Mexico, there is another bin of autumn decorations waiting for us when we get back). Just two months ago, I couldn't wait to get here and finally unpack after two months of living out of suitcases and traveling around. I was so thrilled to have a place to put everything! Yes, when I think about what we could be doing--living with family members or friends--I am grateful for this home and the opportunity to be here as a family. To really be able to let our hair down at the end of the day.
Perhaps only another missionary wife will understand that this is not just a grown woman whining and throwing herself a pity party. I believe it stems from something deeper.
As missionaries, there are so many transitions we have to make. We pack everything up in our homes (or sell everything; I know many families who literally arrived in language school with what they could fit in their allotted baggage, having sold everything else before they left), say goodbye to our families, and settle in to language school (for those who learn language away from their fields, anyway). After we've completed language school, we pack everything up again, say goodbye to the friends we've made, and leave for our fields. At the end of our first four year term, we pack everything up, say goodbye to friends and teammates, and return to our passport countries for furlough--a process that involves many transitions as we travel to raise support, often taking a couple years. Then, we return to our fields after more packing and another round of goodbyes to start the process again. If the missionaries are blessed to be moving back into the same house, some of the transitions are easier. But if they must look for a new house with each new term...
We women are innate nesters. We have this inner desire to build a "nest" for our families. And when we can't do it because of circumstances outside of our control, we get antsy. Maybe even a little sad.
This is where I now am. It is not something I expected to feel when we came home from the field. Especially knowing we'd move into provided housing. I am, however, thankful for the cinnamon stick Yankee Candle I was able to get with my birthday money. And I'm thankful for the other autumn scented candles I'll bring back from my collection at mom's next month.
This is something else you can pray for when you pray for the missionaries you know and support. And if you have any friends who are missionary wives, just be patient with her when she unexpectedly gets the urge to redecorate your home when visiting. She probably can't help herself.
8/13/2014
First Promotion
I'm in the middle of the third day of the first promotion of my book. On top of that, I paid a small amount of money to advertise on a daily blog that features discounted and free Kindle books available. Thanks to both of those, today "The Reunion" sits at #58 (in the top 100) for its category for the Kindle and #61 for the book! Pretty amazing, if you ask me!
While it's great that people are buying the book, I'm more excited that a larger amount of people (people I likely wouldn't have reached on my own) are actually reading it. What a cool feeling! The ultimate goal is for a wider range of readers who will leave reviews (so far only 6), which hopefully leads to more sales of the book. I'm not doing this for income, obviously, but for the thrill of knowing my book is being read.
While it's great that people are buying the book, I'm more excited that a larger amount of people (people I likely wouldn't have reached on my own) are actually reading it. What a cool feeling! The ultimate goal is for a wider range of readers who will leave reviews (so far only 6), which hopefully leads to more sales of the book. I'm not doing this for income, obviously, but for the thrill of knowing my book is being read.
8/03/2014
Coming "Home"?
When we left Mexico almost two months ago, as much as I loved Mexico and knew I'd miss my friends there, I was excited to be going "home". We've spent the last two months traveling and visiting friends and family. The longer we're here, however, the more I realize that this really isn't "home" any more. I'm still excited to be here and look forward to seeing friends and meeting new people. But I've come to realize that "home" isn't really as cut and dry a concept as I used to believe.
Definitely, "home" is wherever my family is. Even the most temporary residence can feel like "home" as long as my family is with me.
We had people say to us when we arrived in Mississippi, "welcome home!" In the most technical sense, I guess this is the closest thing to "home" we've had since we first got married--it's certainly where we've spent the most time (at this point, ten out of our sixteen years of marriage were spent here). But even Mississippi doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Perhaps that's because we gave up our house and put all of our belongings in storage when we left for Costa Rica two years ago.
I can't tell you how many people said to me, "Just wait until you go back. It's not going to be the same. It won't feel like 'home' anymore." I listened but shrugged off this advice, reasoning to myself that, as it's only been two years, what could change? How could things be that different in such a short amount of time?
And for the most part, things are the same. Oh, there are new buildings and new people in the roles we left. And some folks have moved away.
The biggest difference is that we have changed.
I can't really say that Mexico is "home" yet. I'm not like two of my teammates who have served in Mexico for nearly two decades and feel very at home there.
I think that, as long as the States are "home" to me, I'll struggle with adapting to life in Mexico. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but I think it is me. I'm not saying I can never feel at home here, but as long as I measure everything I do by how I used to do it in the States, I'll continue to struggle with culture stress on the field.
Last week, I realized that an important shift has taken place. In every place we visited, be it with our families, or at our headquarters in Indiana, or here in Mississippi, I kept waiting for that feeling of "home" to come. Sure, every place we visited (but Abilene--that's a new place for my in-laws since we left two years ago) was familiar. But not "home". Not anymore.
I was initially sad about this until I realized that it means I'm slowly letting go of my life here. The people will always be important to me and I'll always miss seeing them when we're away. But I also think this is a healthy--necessary--step for me to take in order to become the missionary God has called me to be.
And today, I'm grateful that God is helping to bring about this change in me. I look forward with great anticipation to returning to Mexico and really working hard to make the necessary steps to adapt to the culture.
Please pray that God will continue to keep me restless for "home" while we're in the States. We don't want to get too comfortable that we forget where our calling is. Thank you!
Definitely, "home" is wherever my family is. Even the most temporary residence can feel like "home" as long as my family is with me.
We had people say to us when we arrived in Mississippi, "welcome home!" In the most technical sense, I guess this is the closest thing to "home" we've had since we first got married--it's certainly where we've spent the most time (at this point, ten out of our sixteen years of marriage were spent here). But even Mississippi doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Perhaps that's because we gave up our house and put all of our belongings in storage when we left for Costa Rica two years ago.
I can't tell you how many people said to me, "Just wait until you go back. It's not going to be the same. It won't feel like 'home' anymore." I listened but shrugged off this advice, reasoning to myself that, as it's only been two years, what could change? How could things be that different in such a short amount of time?
And for the most part, things are the same. Oh, there are new buildings and new people in the roles we left. And some folks have moved away.
The biggest difference is that we have changed.
I can't really say that Mexico is "home" yet. I'm not like two of my teammates who have served in Mexico for nearly two decades and feel very at home there.
I think that, as long as the States are "home" to me, I'll struggle with adapting to life in Mexico. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but I think it is me. I'm not saying I can never feel at home here, but as long as I measure everything I do by how I used to do it in the States, I'll continue to struggle with culture stress on the field.
Last week, I realized that an important shift has taken place. In every place we visited, be it with our families, or at our headquarters in Indiana, or here in Mississippi, I kept waiting for that feeling of "home" to come. Sure, every place we visited (but Abilene--that's a new place for my in-laws since we left two years ago) was familiar. But not "home". Not anymore.
I was initially sad about this until I realized that it means I'm slowly letting go of my life here. The people will always be important to me and I'll always miss seeing them when we're away. But I also think this is a healthy--necessary--step for me to take in order to become the missionary God has called me to be.
And today, I'm grateful that God is helping to bring about this change in me. I look forward with great anticipation to returning to Mexico and really working hard to make the necessary steps to adapt to the culture.
Please pray that God will continue to keep me restless for "home" while we're in the States. We don't want to get too comfortable that we forget where our calling is. Thank you!
6/29/2014
An Inspiring Author's Dream Come True
A dream I've had since I was ten years old was fulfilled this week. I am now a published author! Justin & Emma's story went live on Amazon (in both paper and Kindle form) this week.
It was very surreal to go to Amazon and, for the first time ever, know that there was an author listing for a book I've written. It's even more surreal to actually read that book on my Kindle! Let me just say, reading it on the computer as part of a draft is not the same.
In the short time it's been available, the interest and support of friends has been overwhelming. People I don't even know are sharing the Amazon links, and people I don't even know are actually buying my book!
Now that my baby is out there, the real work comes. I am so thankful for my new friends in the Christian Indie Authors group. They have a wealth of information and experience to share with newbies like me, and they've been incredibly supportive. I'm now working to develop a Goodreads author page and my own author Twitter account, just to aid in the marketing process. But I know I have a lot to learn in the coming months.
For now, I'm trying to do what I can in the evening hours, but I want to also enjoy our time with the family. More fun to come!
It was very surreal to go to Amazon and, for the first time ever, know that there was an author listing for a book I've written. It's even more surreal to actually read that book on my Kindle! Let me just say, reading it on the computer as part of a draft is not the same.
In the short time it's been available, the interest and support of friends has been overwhelming. People I don't even know are sharing the Amazon links, and people I don't even know are actually buying my book!
Now that my baby is out there, the real work comes. I am so thankful for my new friends in the Christian Indie Authors group. They have a wealth of information and experience to share with newbies like me, and they've been incredibly supportive. I'm now working to develop a Goodreads author page and my own author Twitter account, just to aid in the marketing process. But I know I have a lot to learn in the coming months.
For now, I'm trying to do what I can in the evening hours, but I want to also enjoy our time with the family. More fun to come!
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