It is not often that I feel totally inadequate for the role God has placed us in these last months--pastoring a large (for us, considering the two other churches we've pastored were small, country churches with no more than 20 souls attending on a big event Sunday) church in Mexico City, in a language in which I lack complete confidence. But when I glance across the crowded sanctuary and see women weeping in brokenness, knowing that I haven't a clue what to say to them in Spanish, I feel completely inadequate.
Yesterday was one such occasion. I stood there and prayed as I watched her, tears sliding down my own cheeks because I knew the only thing I could offer her was a hug. Yes, there are times when this is enough. When the touch of someone who cares is more than enough to express the love of Jesus to a hurting soul. But it still doesn't take away my longing to be able to give real words of comfort.
I can speak Spanish, yes. I have studied many different tenses. But my own insecurities and laziness have greatly held me back from seeing improvement. I know this is something I need God's help with--I can't overcome this on my own. It is my goal to return to Mexico after our Homeland Ministry Assignment with a much better grip on the language. I know I'm going to have to work really hard, studying every day, and seeking out opportunities to simply speak.
I know those feelings of inadequacy will always strike when I least expect them. But my goal, my prayer, is that they are fewer and aren't as restricting. I want to be able to share a message of love in Spanish with my Mexican sisters when they are hurting and clearly in need of one. Please pray with me for God to help me in this process.
And pray with me that He will continue to prompt me to do what I already can do--let His love shine through a hug.